Business Correspondence Critique

Original Business Letter

MSIG Insurance (Singapore) Pte Ltd
4, Shenton Way, #21-01, SGX Centre 2, Singapore 068807 Telephone: (65) 6827 7888
blanca_d@sg.msig-asia.com

17 November 2008
Tan Liang How
142
Pandan Gardens Street 26
#08-132
Pandan Heights
Singapore 600132

Dear Valued Customer

Renewal of Mortgagee Interest Policy (MCST Property)

We are please to renew your Mortgagee Interest Policy (MCST Property) in relation to you mortgage loan from DBS Bank Ltd (“DBS”). The annual premium will be deducted from your designated bank account on the 15th of the following month. If the premium deduction is not successful on the deduction date, DBS will deduct the premium from your designated bank account or any account you maintain with DBS, between 26th and 28th (or the next working day) of the same month.

Please insure separately your home contents and renovations, as they are not covered by this insurance. We will be happy to help you with the insurance at special rates for DBS customers. Should you have any enquiry, please feel free to call or email us for details.

Thank you for insuring with us.

Yours Sincerely
Alice Rodricks
Manager, Bancassurance

Edited version of the business letter

MSIG Insurance (Singapore) Pte Ltd
4, Shenton Way, #21-01, SGX Centre 2, Singapore 068807
(65) 6827 7888
blanca_d@sg.msig-asia.com

17 November 2008

Mr Tan Liang How
Block 142 PandanHeights
#08-132 Pandan Gardens Street 26
Singapore 600132

Dear Mr Tan Liang How

Renewal of Mortgagee Interest Policy (MCST Property)

We are please to renew your Mortgagee Interest Policy (MCST Property) in relation to you mortgage loan from DBS Bank Ltd (“DBS”).

The annual premium will be deducted from your designated bank account on the 15th of the following month.

If the premium deduction is not successful on the deduction date, DBS will deduct the premium from your designated bank account or any account you maintain with DBS, between 26th and 28th (or the next working day) of the same month.

Please insure separately your home contents and renovations, as they are not covered by this insurance. We will be happy to help you with the insurance at special rates for DBS customers. Just call or email us for details.

Thank you for insuring with us.

Yours Sincerely

Alice Rodricks

Alice Rodricks
Manager, Bancassurance

Letterhead
The letter head should be aligned in the middle of the page and not aligned to the left of page. The telephone number should be placed beneath the company’s address rather then aligned to the right of page.

Date
The date is correctly aligned to the left of page. However there should be line spacing between the date and the recipient’s name and address.

Recipient’s Name & Address
As the company knows the name of the recipient, the company should use “Dear Mr Tan” rather then merely “Dear Valued Customer”. The recipient’s name and address is correctly aligned. However rather then just writing the recipient’s name, a courtesy title such as Mr, Dr or Prof should be given. In addition, the recipient’s address can be written as “Block 142” rather then just writing “142”.

Salutation
As the company knows the name of the recipient, the company should use “Dear Mr Tan” rather then merely “Dear Valued Customer”.

Subject Line
The subject line should be aligned to the left of page.

Paragraph Indentation
The paragraphs are correctly aligned to the left of the page.

Signature & Sender’s Name
The signature and sender’s name should be aligned to the left of page. The sender’s signature is absent. I feel that it is important to sign off as it gives a personal touch to the letter and makes the recipient feel worthy.

Complimentary Close
As the company did not greet the recipient by his name in the salutation, the letter should close with “Yours faithfully” rather then “Yours Sincerely”.

7Cs in Writing
The letter uses positive wording and is of appropriate tone. The language is formal and there are no errors in punctuation, word usage, spelling, grammar and information. The vocabulary is simple. There are no wordy expressions and the sentences are kept short.

The contents are linked in an orderly and logical manner making the letter easy to read. The letter is made even clearer by the emphasis of important deadlines in bold letters.

The letter gives adequate information as to when the deduction will be made and what will happen of the deduction is unsuccessful. It also informs the recipient that his policy does not cover certain aspects and who he can approach for further assistance.

However the first paragraph is quite lengthy and can be further broken down to enable an even clearer presentation of the contents.

"You will lose your surname"

My friend Kate has an elder brother, Tom. As Tom is the only son in the family, his parents especially dote on him and he is the apple of their eye. They provide him with the best that they can afford and Tom did not disappoint his parents. He excelled in his studies and currently holds a cushy job as a risk analyst; doing them proud.

Tom has a girl friend called Nurul. She is a nice girl with a great personality. They have a serious relationship with marriage on the cards; having dated for two years. The problem is that she is a Muslim and has Islam as her religion. Under the Islam law, in order for them to wed, Tom will have to convert to Islam and adopt a Muslim name; renouncing his family surname. While Tom has no problems embracing the Muslim culture, and has begin to learn all he can about Islam – the meaning of the Quran (their holy book) and even fasting with his girl friend’s family during Ramadan.

The same cannot be said about his parents. They are traditional Chinese parents and hold conservative views on religion and interracial marriages. They expect Tom – their only son – to fulfill his traditional duties as a male such as carrying on the family surname, ensuring the continuation of this lineage and taking care of their last rites when the time comes. Over the course of two years, they took for granted that it was not a serious relationship and the prospect of their son marrying Nurul never crossed their mind. It came as a complete bombshell when Tom proposed to Nurul. The very idea that Tom is planning to marry – against their wishes – a Muslim girl and abdicate the family tradition is like a tight slap across their faces. They view Tom’s actions as the ultimate act of betrayal and unfilial piety.

Tom’s father feels that he will not be able to face their relatives and will lose their “reputation” if Tom converts. Tom’s mother is extremely hurt that Tom seems to care more about Nurul. She felt that after all she had done for her only son; Tom refuses to reciprocate and sacrifice his relationship with Nurul for the happiness of his mother.

They refuse to acknowledge Nurul and treat her with hostility when she visits; viewing her as “competitor” for their son’s affection. Their hostility affects Nurul and places a considerable amount of strain on Tom’s relationship with her.

Tom is acutely frustrated at the failure of his parents to accept Nurul. He has tried his utmost to talk his parents around. He continually assures them that he still loves them and that their acceptance of Nurul means a great deal to the both of them. He feels that it is unfair that, despite his successful career, his father views him as an embarrassment just because he is marrying a Muslim. He is insulted that his parents do not take him seriously despite him being 28 and think that he is just a young fooling boy blinded by love. Tom is convinced that if his parents truly love him, they would never try to interfere with his relationship and would have respected his decision to wed Nurul.

The relationship between Tom and his parents have turned ugly. Arguments on both sides have escalated to the extent that Tom’s father threatens to disown Tom.

If you were Nurul, how would you help Tom resolve this interpersonal conflict? If you were Tom how can you make your parents see that your conversion to Islam does not equate to you turning your back against them? Would you sacrifice your family and continue with marriage in the event that you failed to convince your parents?