My friend Kate has an elder brother, Tom. As Tom is the only son in the family, his parents especially dote on him and he is the apple of their eye. They provide him with the best that they can afford and Tom did not disappoint his parents. He excelled in his studies and currently holds a cushy job as a risk analyst; doing them proud.Tom has a girl friend called Nurul. She is a nice girl with a great personality. They have a serious relationship with marriage on the cards; having dated for two years. The problem is that she is a Muslim and has Islam as her religion. Under the Islam law, in order for them to wed, Tom will have to convert to Islam and adopt a Muslim name; renouncing his family surname. While Tom has no problems embracing the Muslim culture, and has begin to learn all he can about Islam – the meaning of the Quran (their holy book) and even fasting with his girl friend’s family during Ramadan.
The same cannot be said about his parents. They are traditional Chinese parents and hold conservative views on religion and interracial marriages. They expect Tom – their only son – to fulfill his traditional duties as a male such as carrying on the family surname, ensuring the continuation of this lineage and taking care of their last rites when the time comes. Over the course of two years, they took for granted that it was not a serious relationship and the prospect of their son marrying Nurul never crossed their mind. It came as a complete bombshell when Tom proposed to Nurul. The very idea that Tom is planning to marry – against their wishes – a Muslim girl and abdicate the family tradition is like a tight slap across their faces. They view Tom’s actions as the ultimate act of betrayal and unfilial piety.
Tom’s father feels that he will not be able to face their relatives and will lose their “reputation” if Tom converts. Tom’s mother is extremely hurt that Tom seems to care more about Nurul. She felt that after all she had done for her only son; Tom refuses to reciprocate and sacrifice his relationship with Nurul for the happiness of his mother.
They refuse to acknowledge Nurul and treat her with hostility when she visits; viewing her as “competitor” for their son’s affection. Their hostility affects Nurul and places a considerable amount of strain on Tom’s relationship with her.
Tom is acutely frustrated at the failure of his parents to accept Nurul. He has tried his utmost to talk his parents around. He continually assures them that he still loves them and that their acceptance of Nurul means a great deal to the both of them. He feels that it is unfair that, despite his successful career, his father views him as an embarrassment just because he is marrying a Muslim. He is insulted that his parents do not take him seriously despite him being 28 and think that he is just a young fooling boy blinded by love. Tom is convinced that if his parents truly love him, they would never try to interfere with his relationship and would have respected his decision to wed Nurul.
The relationship between Tom and his parents have turned ugly. Arguments on both sides have escalated to the extent that Tom’s father threatens to disown Tom.
If you were Nurul, how would you help Tom resolve this interpersonal conflict? If you were Tom how can you make your parents see that your conversion to Islam does not equate to you turning your back against them? Would you sacrifice your family and continue with marriage in the event that you failed to convince your parents?
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ReplyDeleteValerie, could you delete my previous comment please? I spotted some errors. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI believe that the reaction of Tom's parents to his impending marriage is mainly due to shock. As you mentioned, they thought his relationship with Nurul was not serious. Thus the sudden announcement of his decision may have thrown Tom's parents off-balance and resulted in the extreme response they gave.
Additionally, their opposition of the marriage also stems from their lack of understanding of both the relationship between Nurul and Tom, and Islamic culture.
What I could suggest would be that Tom sit down with his parents and ask them to tell him of their fears. For his marriage to find acceptance in their eyes, he needs to allay these fears or to find a compromise. His parents need to gain the same (or at least comparable) understanding of Islam as he has and more importantly gain an understanding/acceptance of Nurul herself.
This process will be neither fast nor easy as Tom's parents will start this learning process with a negative pre-disposition. All Nurul and Tom can do is to be patient.
(As an aside, this actually happened in real life to a couple I know. The girl married a Malay boy and converted to Islam. Her parents opposed the marriage strongly, especially her father who refused to attend her ROM, wedding dinner, even the birth of their first child. But that ended after he got to know his grandchildren and son-in-law more. Now he spends 1 day out of the week every week at their home playing with his grandchildren and entrusts his financial affairs fully to his son-in-law. I believe that there are no parents who will hate their children eternally. Even if their children have hurt/disappoint/anger them, parents will always forgive their children in the end.)
-Wanliang